I am 19 years old and I feel that I am behind in life because I am not engaged, or even in a relationship.  Let me paint the picture for you: My mom got married at 19. My brother got married at 22. My sister got married at 20. My two best friends got married at 21-22. The majority of me being raised was in Bakersfield, where literally everyone  is getting engaged or married at my age.  I am behind. Or so I feel like I am.  I was never pressured or told I needed to be married by a certain age but let me tell you, all growing up little Jessica had a plan: married by 20-21, first kid by 24, and last kid no later than 28. Next month I turn 20 and I can promise all of you there is no wedding in sight for me.  The problem is I know that being in a relationship at this pivotal time in my life will only hold me back from some amazing things God wants me to do, but thats a hard thing to swallow. So many times I sit and ask, "But God, how is it that this cou...

it me I look back on who I was on September 7, 2015 when I officially moved to Los Angeles. How funny it is to see how quickly someone can change in a matter of a year and a half. I don't even recognize the girl with long, blonde hair, carrying a bright pink purse and driving a big red pick up truck. She is almost non-existant in my memory. She believed she had God's plan for her life all figured out. Oh how she was so wrong. So, what's next for me?  I will not be a hairstylist, in fact the only reason I am not dropping out of school is because I can not financially afford to drop out. But what will I be doing? I will be going to ministry school to be credentialed. Yes. I am leaving a life of possible buckets  of money to go into full time ministry.  Why? Because it is something God has been calling me to do since I was 15 years old but for 4 years I have been running from what He has wanted me to do. I grew up in the world of ministry. Born ...

"I really feel like this year[2016] is really about, like, the year of just realizing stuff. And everyone around me, we're all just, like, realizing things." -Kylie Jenner 2015 You're not wrong, Kylie. I sure did realize a lot this year. In 2016 I feel like I went to hell and back. Telling me to look on the positive will not change the fact that my 2016 was a  bad year.  In fact, I actually want to focus on all the negative of my past year. Why? Because it was in those moments I learned my greatest lessons. Don't get me wrong I did have some pretty great moments in 2016. I made it a year in LA, realizing this city is my home. I found a family in my church, got promoted in my job, and bought my own car all. by. myself. I am ending my year lost, hurt, and so very excited because there's only up from here. MY 2016 My two year relationship ended: I learned to listen to God's voice even when it hurts the most. No matter how much I disagree or hurt, His way end...

 Stop telling me that the reason I'm single is because guys are intimidated by me.  That's not a comforting thought. Let me explain why:   I've had two recent failed relationships. The first was simply God calling us in two different directions, the second, well, the second caused me not only the loss of a friend of 5 years and the relationship itself, but it also caused me a lot of pain that I'm still trying to maneuver through.   So, if guys are so intimidated by me, and only the right guy will come along, how come the last guy shattered my heart? And the last guy shattered my self-esteem?   If the right guys are so intimidated by me, then why are the wrong guys not?   After my last little messy attempt at a relationship, I decided to spend the rest of 2016 single. That was only for about a couple of months, which for a boy-crazed, needy, nineteen year old, that's pretty difficult. I didn't just want to be single in the sense of not tying myself...

"I never knew Christians could be so good, but so miserable at the same time." I had someone express this to me as they told me of their overly-strict upbringing. My heart broke that somewhere in his life, that is what the church allowed him to see. When I talk of my faith and my convictions with people so many times the conversation of the "can't do's" comes up. "So, you can't get drunk?" "So, you can't watch horror movies?" "So, you can't wear ripped jeans to church?" "So, you can't have piercings or tattoos?" or when I dyed my long blonde hair bright pink I got the question: "Your dad allowed that?!" So from that pierced, ripped jean wearing, crazy cut/colored hair girl that has watched horror movies in her life, wants tattoos, and whose dad was a pastor for 30+ years, I have felt more freedom walking with Christ than I have felt walking away from Him.  No, I don't get drunk.  Will I dr...

My heart has always broken for those who think that their sins are unforgivable. I've thought, "How can someone think that the all powerful God can not do something such as forgiving sins?" And then someone said, "It's not so much that He can't,  it's that He won't ." It's funny how we have the mindset of, "My sin isn't that  bad compared to this person", so we can justify and continue to walk in the sin that we know is wrong but when we are given an opportunity to find forgiveness, all of a sudden our sin this the worst thing in the entire world.  I'm trying to think of the concept of God's forgiveness from an outside perspective. Why wouldn't God forgive my sins?  1) What I have done is so much worse than what others have done.   -Alright, let me start with this: my pastor of 6 years is an ex cocaine addict.   -Jesus hung on the cross betrayed and beaten and told a criminal , who was rightfully on the cross next to...

Josiah, this one is for you. It took me a moment to pause from my crazy, busy life to read your latest blogs, but I finally did. (For all my other readers I will post his links at the end of this blog. That way it forces you to read all the way through.)  I had just finished writing two blog posts of my own when I had paused to read yours before I uploaded my own.  My two posts were light and fluffy compared to yours. Dear brother, you have challenged me. In all honesty, I had to look up a lot of words in your blogs, you are far smarter than I am, and brother you have seven years of life on me so my post may come as an embarrassment. But dear brother, this is for you. We have been raised in the same faith and, though you and I were never really close, I've always found us incredibly similar. *Readers: This may very well be my longest post to date but please read through. Josiah I would like to respond to a few things from your last two blogs. Your existential crisis . In all h...