Dear brother,

Josiah, this one is for you.

It took me a moment to pause from my crazy, busy life to read your latest blogs, but I finally did. (For all my other readers I will post his links at the end of this blog. That way it forces you to read all the way through.) 

I had just finished writing two blog posts of my own when I had paused to read yours before I uploaded my own. My two posts were light and fluffy compared to yours. Dear brother, you have challenged me. In all honesty, I had to look up a lot of words in your blogs, you are far smarter than I am, and brother you have seven years of life on me so my post may come as an embarrassment. But dear brother, this is for you.

We have been raised in the same faith and, though you and I were never really close, I've always found us incredibly similar.

*Readers: This may very well be my longest post to date but please read through.

Josiah I would like to respond to a few things from your last two blogs.

Your existential crisis.

In all honesty I definitely had to look up the word "existential". 

"THE existential crisis I am experiencing is whether, or not, God is truly real." 

Part of me feels like a fool for trying to respond to your crisis because we were brought up in the same faith. We sat in the same churches, went through the same Sunday schools, and the same sermons. But life has taught us both very differently. You've got seven years on me, you are far smarter than I am, but I am far cuter than you are. I can pull verse after verse for you, but you've read them all. Though I see us as the same, we have different hearts. So, allow me to share my own heart with you.

I can't say that I have never doubted the existence of God because just last week I was pondering the unknown, the invisible lines in which we humans walk inside of but no matter who I argue, who I debate, who I question, with all my heart I know that, yes, God is real. 

My belief goes deeper than the qualities of humanity, the experience of the Holy Spirit (which yes, I have so gratefully experienced the Holy Spirit on many occasions), and the history of Jesus. 

The Trinity is a tricky concept, one I still do not fully understand. But, from my basic two years of high school level philosophy and ethics classes, I will say that though they are one, they are three. So let us focus on the one in which you stated in your crisis.

Dear brother let us talk about God. Old Testament God. God, the ultimate designer and creator of the universe. I was talking to a close friend the other day about creation. She believes we evolved and I believe word for word what the Bible says, that we are God breathed. I had the phrase imago dei engraved in me during my Senior year in high school, in fact, it as a part of my senior quote. Image of God. Imago dei. I know God is real just by looking at you, by seeing you breath and hearing your heart beat. I know God is real by reading your words and seeing the knowledge you possess. I want to put off all the philosophies, all the church denominations, and theories on Christianity for a moment and I want to solely focus on the only consistent thing about my life: God. 

Josiah, you are a writer and just like any good story there are heroes and there are villains. You can't have one without the other. I can go on and on and on about God being the hero in my life but I want to focus on the villain. I said before I have experienced the Holy Spirit, and I have, but I also have experienced the devil. No, I am not possessed, nor have I ever been possessed. I have never messed with a Ouija board or done a seance, I hardly watch horror films but I love Edgar Allan Poe and many other, as mom would say, "creepy things". But it was in my moments of walking in light that I have seen and felt the darkness. I have felt the very presence of a demon on my back, I have seen one grip the neck of my dear friend, and I have known of many other encounters.

Maybe it's naive of me or plain foolish, but I can not experience the villain and not see the hero. As plain and simple as I can put it, that is how I know God is real.

The church. 

You expressed your frustrations with the church and how non-believers show more love than believers and let me tell you, you hit the nail on the head with that. My city is filled with non-believers and through some of my toughest moments, I have found more love and support through them than some of the believers in my life.

And you're right. Believers today strive for perfection. They strive to look perfect when in reality we are all jacked up. Maybe that is why the non-believer shows more love, because they shed their pride and acknowledge their mess of a heart. Pride is one of the biggest downfalls in churches and in leadership.

So dear brother, I agree with you. To those believers who are reading, I urge you, in my brothers words, "fuck perfection".

We are all rotten to the core. I sin, you sin, they sin. Your sin is private, their sin is public, but our God sees all sin. So instead of holding your head higher than mine because no one knows of your porn addiction, because no one knows of you cheating on your spouse, or your thieving, or whatever dark thing you try to hide, for once in this world, be real!

Josiah, you are right about going through the motions in church. Church has been, and seems to still be, "show my face, raise my hands, say amen". Nobody dares to point out your sin, nobody dares try to correct you, and if they did, you get offended and leave. Churches today lack discipleship. 

Matthew 18:15-17 "If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won the person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won't accept the church's decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector." If we as Christians opened up our messy, nasty hearts and allowed for those in leadership to correct us, how much healthier and more real the church would be. Dad always said, "You got caught because God loves you." Now as a freshman trying to hide her boyfriend from her parents, I did not like that whatsoever. But today I understand what dad meant. God has called me to be more like Him, and if I continue in my secret sin, I will never stop, and therefore I will never grow.

 

But never am I perfect.

And that's okay.

Your apology.

Dear brother, you have made it publicly known that you deal with depression.

I cried when you first told me.

It must run in the family, though I do not deal with it as severely as you. Anxiety is my bigger burden.

I am so unbelievably proud of you for your vulnerability to the world.

In your follow up blog you apologized for your selfishness. That doesn't sit right with me.

I remember a phrase from one of the many Hallmark movies mom watches, "Don't count out your pain just because someone is hurting more."

Dear brother, do NOT apologize for your hunger because someone has eaten less than you.

But don't walk in hunger and refuse to eat because you are dwelling on your hunger and you are angry about your hunger. Do not count out someone else's hunger because of your own.

3 years ago when the man at the front door violated me, I felt no right to share my pain and emotions through it. Compared to what many other girls deal with daily, he did nothing to me. But I did share, and when I shared someone who has dealt with much worse was able to grow and heal a little.

I learned that my hunger from missing one meal caused my heart to want to feed those who have yet to eat, because I had a glimpse of that pain they deal with.

Compassion. It is a gift you and Jayden both possess, dear brother. It is a gift I pray my future husband has. Rather than apologizing for your "selfishness", please turn your pain into compassion, like you always seem to do.

Maybe my words are juvenile, maybe this post means nothing and lacks sound knowledge, but dear brother, don't ever forget these things:

God loves you.

I love you. 

And you are the best big brother in the world- despite whatever pains in your past causes you to think otherwise.

Dear brother, 

Thank you. Thank you for challenging my faith and my writing. I pray my words mean something to you and leave even the smallest impact on you.

Love, 

Your sister

Existential Crisis:

http://jdlair.blogspot.com/2016/10/existential-crisis.html?spref=fb&m=1

Selfishness: A Painful Existence 

http://jdlair.blogspot.com/2016/10/selfishness-painful-existence.html?spref=fb&m=1