If I had a dollar for every time I "surrendered" everything to Christ, I'd be able to quit my restaurant job and pay rent with that money.  That's a funny, yet oddly sad, way of starting this post. I know. But it's the truth. If you have any personal relationship with me, you might know that I journal almost every single one of my prayers. I think the only time I audibly say a prayer is when I ask for forgiveness for what I yelled at the drivers in Sacramento.  My first prayer journal was a blue camo journal with three loops on the front to hold pens. I was living in Texas at the time and my dad took us all to the Christian book store to pick out our very own prayer journals. He taught us that this was a great way to always see how God works in each of our lives. I think I filled every page with a plea for us to move back to California and I will say, it worked!  I have been journaling ever since.  As of lately, my biggest desire in my heart has bee

Hi friends! Long time, no write. I know, I know. Typical millennial not sticking to what she creates. But let me catch you up to speed on what's been going on. *narrator's voice* "Last time on Life with Jessica..." I was living a cozy life in my top floor apartment in Hollywood, CA. I was running the social media for my church, starting up ministry school, and waiting tables. I was living paycheck to paycheck and loving life while questioning it all at the same time. I was in the world Jessica had always dreamed up for herself, but I was in my wilderness. I thought in that moment LA was my final destination and the stagnant state I was in was a funk I was going to have to get over and that somehow someway I'd feel like I was thriving again. But God did something in me this past Summer. I got to a point where I realized I was the lid to the ministry I was running, I couldn't expand the ministry any further and that He was making me uncomfortable with where

Last night I felt chaos. In the morning I felt joy. On the 405 freeway I felt peace. In the waiting room I feel chaos. How easy it can be to question what God promised the second we have to wait. All yesterday I prayed and prayed and at the end of the night I gave the situation to God. I woke up knowing who was in control and holding on to His promise that He is going to take over. Then I have to sit in a hospital waiting room for more than fifteen minutes and all of a sudden that assured faith I had in Him, is questioned. "God but what if?" "But God did you really say that?" "Okay but God, if you said that, why isn't it happening now?"  Sitting in my own questions I realized that the true reflection of my heart is how I respond in the waiting room. The answer could come within seconds or within hours, but where is my heart despite the timeline of when my answer is coming? In all honesty my heart is falling back into the chaos it was

So far this new season in my life has been the best season I've walked in. But it has also been the most stressful and questionable. Why? Because of myself. Because of my self-doubts and my lack of trust. I am thriving but my finances are not and I find that most of my prayer time lately has been me reminding God of when my bills are due, how much they are, how much the late fees are, etc. It is as if I am reminding God of a deadline I have put on Him. I sit there and think of ways He could move in my life. "God, if you speak to this person.." "God, if you do this thing at this time.." "Hey God, just reminding you that this bill is coming up and if you do this at this time I could pay it.." You see, God has told me to do one thing: sit still. But the control freak that I am decides to figure everything out for Him. Isaiah 40:14 "Has the Lord ever needed anyone's advice? Does he need instruction about what is good? Did someone teach him wha

If I happened to be on a date (holla) or I was in a job interview and I was asked, "What is one thing you are really good at?" I would respond with "stressing", at least, thats what I have been really good at in this past season. This past season has been a tough season as I navigate through moving from my dream city, L.A., and moving up to a place that was no where near ever being on my radar, Sacramento. The very fact that I am even moving out of L.A. means God really  was speaking to me. If you know me, there is nothing I want more in my life than to walk out in obedience daily . But walking out in obedience is hard. Especially when you work a part time job, finally feel fully connected in your church, signed a year lease on your apartment, and finally felt that you were right where you were supposed to be in life.  Well, I was right where I  felt I was supposed to be in life. Let me paint you my picture: 20 year old girl who dreamed of living in L.A. sinc

Let me ask you a question: If where you are currently at is exactly where God called you to be for the rest of your life, how would you respond? This question was brought up during a venting session I had with two of my closest friends. I have been thinking about it over and over again. How would I respond? I'll be honest, most days my response is frustration. When I have served at what I considered to be the "bottom" I was constantly looking to my next season. I was constantly praying and hoping for God to elevate me out of where I currently was. I wonder how many opportunities to serve Christ I missed out on because I was always looking left or right for what I wanted as opposed to looking straight ahead to what He was doing. Matthew 25:29  "To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given, and they will have an abundance. But from those who do nothing, even what little they have will be taken away." That brings me to another question:

Life hasn't been going my way lately and I've noticed something about myself when life doesn't go my way: I throw a fit. I am 20 years old and I will throw a fit to God when He doesn't do things my  way. Just the other day something didn't go my way and I felt God say, "I can't work in the 'woe is me.'" I've been wrestling with that thought for a few days. What does that even mean? The 'woe is me' Situations come up in our lives in which we sit for hours, days, even weeks in prayer over what is to come. We sit in hope, sometimes imagining how our lives will change when the outcome goes our way. We say that prayer, "God your will, not mine," but in our minds we are praying, "God may your will match up with my will." Then, God's will happens, and it wasn't our will, and now we are sulking. "Why God?" "Why didn't you let it go my way?" "But God I thought you had spoken to m

I've written about the importance of forgiveness quite a few times before but I've realized something; forgiveness is a verb. What I mean by it being a 'verb' is that it is a constant 'doing' that you have to carry out day by day. Let me explain: Around this time last year my heart was filled with bitterness, hate, and all things ugly. Around this time last year my life started on what seemed like the biggest downward spiral into self-hate, depression, and a season in which I felt the worst feeling, the feeling of being numb. It was around this time last year that I allowed for un-forgiveness to take root in my heart. Not only did it take root, but I began to harvest its ugly, rotten fruit. It wasn't until a few weeks before my twentieth birthday did I finally take un-forgiveness out at the twisted root. I handed out forgiveness like Oprah hands out any type of gift. "You get forgiveness!" "You get forgiveness!" "You get forgiv

"Intercede until God intervenes." My friend and worship pastor had put that quote on her Instagram and when I saw it, it rocked me. I read that quote in a time that I really needed to be challenged in my prayer life. I turned that sentence over and over again in my head, and to this day, I've let it stick with me. Let me explain: If you have been following my blog for some time, you might have read my "Dear Brother" post. If not, I'll post the link at the end of this blog. Let me sum it up real quick: My oldest brother expressed in his own blog some deep struggles he was dealing with and I responded in the best way I could. My heart broke for my brother. I called my sister crying and we both brainstormed on what we  could do to fix the "problem". Quickly I realized it was not up to me to be the savior. My words would do little to nothing, so I prayed. Every time I called out to God, whether it was every day or every other day, my older brothe

Today I drove by Pepperdine University and instantly felt a wave of emotions. As I could barely see students walking to their cars and as I admired the beautiful campus on the hill, I thought to myself, "Why isn't that me?" If you know me at all, you know that college was never  on my radar. I didn't take my SAT's and I didn't dream of or apply to any schools. I have always known that college wasn't for me. But, why then do I sometimes find myself coveting the college life? Because I don't have it. From the outside looking in, I see routine, stability, cute dorm rooms, a large pool of potential husbands in one enclosed area, opportunity for friendships with people who are in the same spot of life as you, and the exact opposite of the life I'm living. But here is what I had to remind myself as these thoughts swarmed me while I drove down the Malibu Canyon: My life is MY  life. What I mean is, when Christ was planning my life before my

When someone describes you as a "leader" your mind jumps to you ruling the country, ruling your workplace, ruling the world! ...but the reality is you won't do much ruling at all. I have always been told I was a leader and I always thought that meant I would be in charge of something great, but here is the reality I've been learning to walk through: Leadership is a journey of 90% being put in positions far less glorifying and 10% "ruling the world". I try to think of great leaders and the greatest I can think of is Jesus Christ. He had twelve grown men drop money, friends, stable homes, and comfort to follow Him. So what made Jesus so great? It wasn't just that He was the Son of God or that He had twelve men following Him, it was that He was humble, graceful yet just, loving, willing to do anything and everything to glorify His father, even if that meant washing feet. There is a misconception when it comes to being a "leader" that I belie

Speeding ticket. Traffic school. Parking violation. Insurance. Car loan. Tuition (for a school I dropped out of). All of these finances loom over my head. What do you do when you have bill after bill after bill piling up while your hours at work are shrinking and shrinking? You get a second job? You find a new one all together? But what do you do when you feel God calling you to stay? You stay. At the beginning of this year, one of my pastors, Pastor Jessie, shared a message. She asked us to pray about a word that God would give us to be the theme and challenge of our year. God just wanted to make it rain on me and He gave me TWO words. Consistent expectation. This year I've been challenged to consistently expect that God will take care of me, that God will transform me, and that my world will be rocked every single day. So, as I sit with a day and a half left to pay my speeding ticket, being two hundred dollars short, and I await that school bill to come in and I see how

 I am 19 years old and I feel that I am behind in life because I am not engaged, or even in a relationship.  Let me paint the picture for you: My mom got married at 19. My brother got married at 22. My sister got married at 20. My two best friends got married at 21-22. The majority of me being raised was in Bakersfield, where literally everyone  is getting engaged or married at my age.  I am behind. Or so I feel like I am.  I was never pressured or told I needed to be married by a certain age but let me tell you, all growing up little Jessica had a plan: married by 20-21, first kid by 24, and last kid no later than 28. Next month I turn 20 and I can promise all of you there is no wedding in sight for me.  The problem is I know that being in a relationship at this pivotal time in my life will only hold me back from some amazing things God wants me to do, but thats a hard thing to swallow. So many times I sit and ask, "But God, how is it that this couple can do amazing thing

it me I look back on who I was on September 7, 2015 when I officially moved to Los Angeles. How funny it is to see how quickly someone can change in a matter of a year and a half. I don't even recognize the girl with long, blonde hair, carrying a bright pink purse and driving a big red pick up truck. She is almost non-existant in my memory. She believed she had God's plan for her life all figured out. Oh how she was so wrong. So, what's next for me?  I will not be a hairstylist, in fact the only reason I am not dropping out of school is because I can not financially afford to drop out. But what will I be doing? I will be going to ministry school to be credentialed. Yes. I am leaving a life of possible buckets  of money to go into full time ministry.  Why? Because it is something God has been calling me to do since I was 15 years old but for 4 years I have been running from what He has wanted me to do. I grew up in the world of ministry. Born an