Waiting room

Last night I felt chaos.

In the morning I felt joy.

On the 405 freeway I felt peace.

In the waiting room I feel chaos.

How easy it can be to question what God promised the second we have to wait. All yesterday I prayed and prayed and at the end of the night I gave the situation to God. I woke up knowing who was in control and holding on to His promise that He is going to take over. Then I have to sit in a hospital waiting room for more than fifteen minutes and all of a sudden that assured faith I had in Him, is questioned. "God but what if?" "But God did you really say that?" "Okay but God, if you said that, why isn't it happening now?" 

Sitting in my own questions I realized that the true reflection of my heart is how I respond in the waiting room. The answer could come within seconds or within hours, but where is my heart despite the timeline of when my answer is coming?

In all honesty my heart is falling back into the chaos it was yesterday. Doubt, fear, anxiousness, and all those other negative things begin to shush the positive whispers that God spoke into my heart just this morning. It seems as though the second I don't see God move in the time I want Him to move, He's failed me.

I think of the Israelites in the Old Testament when God was delivering them from Egypt. They were thankful and praising God up until they realized the journey was kind of long, then they complained. Then God provided and they praised Him, then they disobeyed. It was a cycle. Praise, complain, praise, disobey, and so on. Well, if you aren't aware of the story, that first generation never saw the Promise Land. But God didn't fail the Israelites even though it took forty years to get where He promised, God came through. Now millions remember the Israelites complaining to God when He came through with His promise in the end. 

So I ask myself, how do I want my "wandering" or "waiting room" moments to be remembered? Did I complain? Did I doubt? Did I allow my frustrations of not seeing God move on my timeline cause for me to act out in disobedience? 

Or did I thank God? Did I sing praises to Him? Did I put my whole heart and life in His hands? Did I truly mean it when I said "God I trust you"? 

The desert, waiting room, or whatever metaphor you need to depict the waiting season, will determine where your heart is really at. I think that maybe God allows for such moments to be long enough for us to check where our heart is at, and if need be, fix it so we can be ready for the Promise Land. 

Deuteronomy 8:2-3 "Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord."