I have been keeping up, not so consistently, with this blog for a little over two years now. I look back to the naive 18 year old that first began school at Paul Mitchell, living in her dream city, and I think about who she was and where she was at in her life and in her faith and I think, if only she knew then what I know now.
Two years is really not a lot of time and I am barely turning 21 and still have my entire life ahead of me, but I sit here and think just how amazing this journey has been so far. Each and every blog post I write is inspired by a lesson I am learning in that exact moment. I have no fear when it comes to my writing, in fact, I can pour my entire heart out in little black letters on a screen with no hesitation. That being said, I was thinking back to previous posts and thinking back to specific moments or trials that inspired my words and I realized that through each lesson I was learning there was one big underlying message that was right in front of my face unlocking doors to healing.
That message is: I am broken and that is okay.
I realized the healthiest thought I have ever had was understanding that I. am. broken. I remember being in my emo teen years and going through, at the time, my darkest days. I can't remember the boy I was confiding in, but there was a boy, per-usual boy crazy Jessica, and I remember telling him, "I am broken." but I carried that phrase like a burden. In that phrase I saw that no one would want me for my faults and hurts, that I couldn't be used to the full potential that God had for me, and that being in that broken state meant thats where I would be for the rest of my life.
I spent years avoiding what God wanted me to do, running into toxic relationships and friendships, walking into places I knew that was the bare minimum of what God wanted me to do all because I was broken. I reminded God for years, in case He didn't know. I told God that this manipulative relationship was all I was good for because "I am broken." I said God I can't walk into that door of ministry because "I am broken." I said "God, I see you have big plans for me, but I can't do it because I. am. broken." But, God already knew that. God has known from the very beginning that I am broken.
1 Timothy 1:15 "Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners- of whom I am the worst."
How entitled I was to walk through life and tell God, "You can't use me, you can't bless me, you can't love me fully because I am broken." It was as if I was using my brokenness as a limitation on God. I was saying God couldn't use my brokenness for His glory. I was saying that God couldn't give me grace because of my brokenness, I was saying God couldn't be God because of my brokenness.
I was prideful and entitled, then God humbled me. I could tell you the exact moment I came to realize that I am far more broken than I thought, yet God not only still wants to use me, but He wants to heal those parts in my heart, so He can use me even MORE.
2 Timothy 1:9-10 "He has saved us and called us to a holy life- not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel."
When I stopped using my "I am broken" as a limitation on God, but an invitation for Him to come into my life even more, my world began to change. I changed that phrase from, "God, you can't," to, "God, I need you to..." God, I need you to come in and fix my heart. God, I need your grace. God, I need you.
Because I changed the limitation to an invitation, God has opened more doors, God has given me more healing, God has revealed Himself to me in ways I never imagined, and I have fallen more in love with my Savior.
Now each day I wake up and am humbled because even though I am broken, God sees me fit to be used in the ministry I am at, even though I am broken God still pours down blessings in my life, even though I am broken God still shows up, and even though I am broken God still loves me so much more than I could ever begin to fathom.
We are all broken and that is okay because we serve a God who heals, forgives, and loves us enough to use our brokenness for His plans, regardless of what we have done or what has been done to us.
So, I am humbly declaring that yes,
I am broken.
And that is okay.
Two years is really not a lot of time and I am barely turning 21 and still have my entire life ahead of me, but I sit here and think just how amazing this journey has been so far. Each and every blog post I write is inspired by a lesson I am learning in that exact moment. I have no fear when it comes to my writing, in fact, I can pour my entire heart out in little black letters on a screen with no hesitation. That being said, I was thinking back to previous posts and thinking back to specific moments or trials that inspired my words and I realized that through each lesson I was learning there was one big underlying message that was right in front of my face unlocking doors to healing.
That message is: I am broken and that is okay.
I realized the healthiest thought I have ever had was understanding that I. am. broken. I remember being in my emo teen years and going through, at the time, my darkest days. I can't remember the boy I was confiding in, but there was a boy, per-usual boy crazy Jessica, and I remember telling him, "I am broken." but I carried that phrase like a burden. In that phrase I saw that no one would want me for my faults and hurts, that I couldn't be used to the full potential that God had for me, and that being in that broken state meant thats where I would be for the rest of my life.
I spent years avoiding what God wanted me to do, running into toxic relationships and friendships, walking into places I knew that was the bare minimum of what God wanted me to do all because I was broken. I reminded God for years, in case He didn't know. I told God that this manipulative relationship was all I was good for because "I am broken." I said God I can't walk into that door of ministry because "I am broken." I said "God, I see you have big plans for me, but I can't do it because I. am. broken." But, God already knew that. God has known from the very beginning that I am broken.
1 Timothy 1:15 "Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners- of whom I am the worst."
How entitled I was to walk through life and tell God, "You can't use me, you can't bless me, you can't love me fully because I am broken." It was as if I was using my brokenness as a limitation on God. I was saying God couldn't use my brokenness for His glory. I was saying that God couldn't give me grace because of my brokenness, I was saying God couldn't be God because of my brokenness.
I was prideful and entitled, then God humbled me. I could tell you the exact moment I came to realize that I am far more broken than I thought, yet God not only still wants to use me, but He wants to heal those parts in my heart, so He can use me even MORE.
2 Timothy 1:9-10 "He has saved us and called us to a holy life- not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel."
When I stopped using my "I am broken" as a limitation on God, but an invitation for Him to come into my life even more, my world began to change. I changed that phrase from, "God, you can't," to, "God, I need you to..." God, I need you to come in and fix my heart. God, I need your grace. God, I need you.
Because I changed the limitation to an invitation, God has opened more doors, God has given me more healing, God has revealed Himself to me in ways I never imagined, and I have fallen more in love with my Savior.
Now each day I wake up and am humbled because even though I am broken, God sees me fit to be used in the ministry I am at, even though I am broken God still pours down blessings in my life, even though I am broken God still shows up, and even though I am broken God still loves me so much more than I could ever begin to fathom.
We are all broken and that is okay because we serve a God who heals, forgives, and loves us enough to use our brokenness for His plans, regardless of what we have done or what has been done to us.
So, I am humbly declaring that yes,
I am broken.
And that is okay.
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