Hello my beautiful readers! Where in the world have I been? Well, I have been frolicking around drinking $7 almond milk lattes, dying my hair blue, eating far too many bagels from Noah's Bagels, and I have been doing all of this in Sacramento for exactly a year now!
That's right, the beautiful city of Sacramento and I are celebrating our one-year anniversary. We accept cash, coffee, or you can Venmo (@JessicaNicole-Lair)/Cashapp(@jessnicolelair) to congratulate our wonderful relationship.
If you know me at all you know that I am super sentimental when it comes to memories or anniversaries. I am just one who loves to look back on what I was doing this time a year ago and see how far I have come.
As I sit here at my favorite coffee shop and think back on what I was doing on this day last year I am hit with every emotion that is humanly possible. I could write about the hardships and each lesson I learned, or I could write about how every plan I ever had about my life vanished into thin air, or I could even write about my calling and what it's like to fully walk in it, but none of that is for this blog because through the darkest days and the best moments there has been one main lesson that I have learned in this past year- actually it was a layer by layer process over the past three years- but this is the lesson I learned:
I am just Jessica, and that is enough.
So profound, I know. Thank you for reading- write ya later.
Okay, but seriously let me explain why that is the main lesson out of all the lessons I could have learned, and why I also think it's the most important lesson any 21 year old could learn.
----
They tell every young adult who is single to "learn your identity" before you get in a relationship. I always thought that was dumb because I always "knew" who I "was". I was Jessica, daughter of a pastor, Christian, loved writing and poetry, favorite color pink, and coffee in my veins. But after a long term relationship ended for me at 19, I decided to do what most young girls do after any relationship- get into another one immediately. So, before I could even heal from the last relationship, I began pouring all my insecurities and pain into another relationship that ended up hurting me even more. Two back to back failed relationships could only bring one thing- deep-rooted insecurity in which I blamed myself and who I was as the reason for things ending.
I went through a journey of healing from those relationships, I could honestly probably write a novel about it. But it wasn't after those relationships ending that allowed me to see being "just Jessica" was enough. I've had my broken, lying-awake-crying, asking why me, moments about being single- but it wasn't "being single" that gave me this revelation. Because you can be single but still put your identity in someone or something else.
At 20 years old I left everything I had dreamed of and moved to Sacramento. After about 6 months everything changed and I found myself being alone. 21 years old, getting a promotion, finding an apartment, and realizing that I was in a new-ish city by myself. No one here knew me as James' daughter, Jennaya's sister, or so-and-so's girlfriend. I found myself in a moment of defining my life as Jessica. People knew of connections that I had, but it was now, what is Jessica going to do?
There is something so terrifyingly beautiful about no longer having anyone or anything to hide behind. No longer could I hide from my calling because I am "just working at Cheesecake Factory" or discounting myself from anything because I am "just a beauty school dropout". No longer could I hide behind anyone, no longer could I ride someone else's coattails to walk through certain doors, no longer could I place who I was or where I was going in someone or something else.
I found myself alone- and it was the best thing to ever happen to me.
What do I mean by alone? I don't mean that no person talked to me and I was shut up in my apartment all by my lonesome, but that the only person in this entire city, county, region of California, that knew my past and pains and really remotely anything deeper than the surface- was me. And it came to a point where I had to face all of that- and face it by myself. I had to confront Jessica. I had to figure out why she had certain walls up, why she was running from certain things, what did she really want out of life, and I had to ask Jessica if she was willing to go deeper in what God had for her- because it was now or never.
The past 6 months some crazy things have happened for "just Jessica". As doors I never dreamed could open for me began to open, as things in me began to unlock, as God's vision for my life became clearer I realized this was all happening simply because I was me. And that was it. I was being the Jessica that loved the Lord with her entire being, willing to obey even the most radical of things He asked even if others didn't agree. I was being the Jessica that loves to dye her hair all sorts of colors, pierces her face and wears ripped clothing. I was being the Jessica that loves coffee, her dog, and writing. I was being the Jessica that has no volume control when she speaks, is super outgoing, but dreams of Friday nights by herself not talking to anyone.
I was being the Jessica that heard the call of the Lord- moved to a new city and planted her roots- and that was enough.
That was enough for the Lord to open doors, for people to open their arms to me, for things to shift, for me to grow.
Let me tell you- that has changed everything for me. Who knew that rooting your identity in other things were the root of so many problems? Okay.. a lot of people knew that. But since embracing my "just Jessica" identity I can take rejection way better, because oh- whatever turned me away is not for where I am going in life and it has no reflection on who I am. I am more patient which I thought was next to impossible- but I have learned that I can wait on things because not having it right away does not change who I am or who I am becoming. I can walk freely and boldly into whatever season is coming because I know at the end of whatever I am walking through- good or bad- I'll come out better than when I first walked into it. I am less afraid to be vulnerable- whether it's letting someone in emotionally or stepping into a new position- because I am me and being me got me this far in life and so being me can take me even further.
This is it- I was created to be just Jessica. I was called to be just Jessica. The Lord looked upon me and said "her". He chose me for whatever crazy journey He has for me, He chose me to be with whatever brave soul wants to marry me, He chose me to be surrounded by whoever He surrounds me by, He chose me. He didn't choose me when I got my act together or when I grew up a little bit or when I lost 5 pounds or changed my personality. He chose me when I was just being Jessica and He said, "That's all I need."
So- that's what I learned/embraced this past year. You are you and that is enough. Enough to walk into all that God is calling of you, enough to start that career, enough to move to that city, enough to enjoy life right where you are at. You don't need that boyfriend/girlfriend to heal or complete you, you don't need that job to give you purpose, you don't need that friend to open those doors for you. All you need is to be who God created you to be, walk in it- embrace it- love it, and just watch what He does.
I look back on this year and can say, "only God." I am so glad that I had the opportunity for it to be only God who showed me who I was and where I was going.
It was only God who got me through this year, who brought a beautiful church into my life, who gave me the apartment of my 20 year old dreams, who allowed me to root myself and who connected me to the people and pastors and leaders who are helping me grow and flourish into all He has called me to be.
It was only God who showed me that I am just Jessica, and that is enough.
That's right, the beautiful city of Sacramento and I are celebrating our one-year anniversary. We accept cash, coffee, or you can Venmo (@JessicaNicole-Lair)/Cashapp(@jessnicolelair) to congratulate our wonderful relationship.
If you know me at all you know that I am super sentimental when it comes to memories or anniversaries. I am just one who loves to look back on what I was doing this time a year ago and see how far I have come.
As I sit here at my favorite coffee shop and think back on what I was doing on this day last year I am hit with every emotion that is humanly possible. I could write about the hardships and each lesson I learned, or I could write about how every plan I ever had about my life vanished into thin air, or I could even write about my calling and what it's like to fully walk in it, but none of that is for this blog because through the darkest days and the best moments there has been one main lesson that I have learned in this past year- actually it was a layer by layer process over the past three years- but this is the lesson I learned:
I am just Jessica, and that is enough.
So profound, I know. Thank you for reading- write ya later.
Okay, but seriously let me explain why that is the main lesson out of all the lessons I could have learned, and why I also think it's the most important lesson any 21 year old could learn.
----
They tell every young adult who is single to "learn your identity" before you get in a relationship. I always thought that was dumb because I always "knew" who I "was". I was Jessica, daughter of a pastor, Christian, loved writing and poetry, favorite color pink, and coffee in my veins. But after a long term relationship ended for me at 19, I decided to do what most young girls do after any relationship- get into another one immediately. So, before I could even heal from the last relationship, I began pouring all my insecurities and pain into another relationship that ended up hurting me even more. Two back to back failed relationships could only bring one thing- deep-rooted insecurity in which I blamed myself and who I was as the reason for things ending.
I went through a journey of healing from those relationships, I could honestly probably write a novel about it. But it wasn't after those relationships ending that allowed me to see being "just Jessica" was enough. I've had my broken, lying-awake-crying, asking why me, moments about being single- but it wasn't "being single" that gave me this revelation. Because you can be single but still put your identity in someone or something else.
At 20 years old I left everything I had dreamed of and moved to Sacramento. After about 6 months everything changed and I found myself being alone. 21 years old, getting a promotion, finding an apartment, and realizing that I was in a new-ish city by myself. No one here knew me as James' daughter, Jennaya's sister, or so-and-so's girlfriend. I found myself in a moment of defining my life as Jessica. People knew of connections that I had, but it was now, what is Jessica going to do?
There is something so terrifyingly beautiful about no longer having anyone or anything to hide behind. No longer could I hide from my calling because I am "just working at Cheesecake Factory" or discounting myself from anything because I am "just a beauty school dropout". No longer could I hide behind anyone, no longer could I ride someone else's coattails to walk through certain doors, no longer could I place who I was or where I was going in someone or something else.
I found myself alone- and it was the best thing to ever happen to me.
What do I mean by alone? I don't mean that no person talked to me and I was shut up in my apartment all by my lonesome, but that the only person in this entire city, county, region of California, that knew my past and pains and really remotely anything deeper than the surface- was me. And it came to a point where I had to face all of that- and face it by myself. I had to confront Jessica. I had to figure out why she had certain walls up, why she was running from certain things, what did she really want out of life, and I had to ask Jessica if she was willing to go deeper in what God had for her- because it was now or never.
The past 6 months some crazy things have happened for "just Jessica". As doors I never dreamed could open for me began to open, as things in me began to unlock, as God's vision for my life became clearer I realized this was all happening simply because I was me. And that was it. I was being the Jessica that loved the Lord with her entire being, willing to obey even the most radical of things He asked even if others didn't agree. I was being the Jessica that loves to dye her hair all sorts of colors, pierces her face and wears ripped clothing. I was being the Jessica that loves coffee, her dog, and writing. I was being the Jessica that has no volume control when she speaks, is super outgoing, but dreams of Friday nights by herself not talking to anyone.
I was being the Jessica that heard the call of the Lord- moved to a new city and planted her roots- and that was enough.
That was enough for the Lord to open doors, for people to open their arms to me, for things to shift, for me to grow.
Let me tell you- that has changed everything for me. Who knew that rooting your identity in other things were the root of so many problems? Okay.. a lot of people knew that. But since embracing my "just Jessica" identity I can take rejection way better, because oh- whatever turned me away is not for where I am going in life and it has no reflection on who I am. I am more patient which I thought was next to impossible- but I have learned that I can wait on things because not having it right away does not change who I am or who I am becoming. I can walk freely and boldly into whatever season is coming because I know at the end of whatever I am walking through- good or bad- I'll come out better than when I first walked into it. I am less afraid to be vulnerable- whether it's letting someone in emotionally or stepping into a new position- because I am me and being me got me this far in life and so being me can take me even further.
This is it- I was created to be just Jessica. I was called to be just Jessica. The Lord looked upon me and said "her". He chose me for whatever crazy journey He has for me, He chose me to be with whatever brave soul wants to marry me, He chose me to be surrounded by whoever He surrounds me by, He chose me. He didn't choose me when I got my act together or when I grew up a little bit or when I lost 5 pounds or changed my personality. He chose me when I was just being Jessica and He said, "That's all I need."
So- that's what I learned/embraced this past year. You are you and that is enough. Enough to walk into all that God is calling of you, enough to start that career, enough to move to that city, enough to enjoy life right where you are at. You don't need that boyfriend/girlfriend to heal or complete you, you don't need that job to give you purpose, you don't need that friend to open those doors for you. All you need is to be who God created you to be, walk in it- embrace it- love it, and just watch what He does.
I look back on this year and can say, "only God." I am so glad that I had the opportunity for it to be only God who showed me who I was and where I was going.
It was only God who got me through this year, who brought a beautiful church into my life, who gave me the apartment of my 20 year old dreams, who allowed me to root myself and who connected me to the people and pastors and leaders who are helping me grow and flourish into all He has called me to be.
It was only God who showed me that I am just Jessica, and that is enough.
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