Hi friends! Your multi-colored hair, coffee drinking, spaz of a friend is back. Life has been an adventure this last year and I find myself back in the town I graduated high school from, living with my parents for the first time in 5 years.
I am in a bit of a transitional point in my life, with some time off. So, why not start writing again?
As always, I want to be transparent and vulnerable with you. Today's writing is totally prompted by what God has recently been doing in me and I decided to share it with you.
You see- I have been chasing a feeling. I have been searching for a way to fill a specific void in my heart.
The concept of someone choosing me.
Two of my closest friends have heard me sing this song for some time, especially the last few months. I have wanted someone to choose me. I wanted the boy who pursued something with my best friend behind my back, to choose me. I wanted my best friend in that moment, to choose me. I wanted every guy in every failed relationship attempt to choose me, not choose my best friends, or their fears/pride, or simply other options. For once, to somebody, I wanted to be the first choice, not the girl who is just always there. To a friend, a mentor, and especially to a dating relationship.
My prayer when it came to dating was, "God, let him tell me, 'I choose you.'" (Now that you have all read this prayer it is now void. Don't try coming to my DM's with that line.)
This expectation of looking to be chosen by a man led me to heartbreak, pain, and almost walking away from a really good friendship simply because I didn't get the feeling of being chosen like my heart desired.
My heart desired...
Psalm 37:4 "Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desires."
I fought God for so long... "Lord, it is a desire- why haven't you met it? Do I have to keep waiting? Just let this hole in my heart stay empty as I continue to watch everyone around me get 'chosen' while my mind spirals down into a pit trying to figure out what in me is not worthy of being chosen? What does everyone around me have that I don't?"
Friend, I don't know where you are in your life- where do you want to be chosen? For the job or promotion? Maybe it is relationally like myself. Maybe you want your spouse to choose you over their addiction or bad habits. Or for your parents to finally choose you. Whatever it is- where do you want to feel chosen?
I mentioned I am in this transitional phase in my life where nothing really makes sense. I chose to follow and obey the voice of God no matter the cost. I've done it a few times before and it's led me to some of my greatest adventures- so here I am, stepping into my next great one. Still not chosen.
I cried.
I've cried.
My dog cried.
In the midst of my crying and questions a conversation kinda went like this.. "I obeyed you.. gave it all up.. again. Why am I still not chosen?" In that moment I decided to just start thanking God for what was instead of what wasn't and suddenly I said, "Thank you for choosing me to be positioned where I am... Thank you for choosing me-" You would think this shouldn't have been as deep of a revelation as it was for me. But it was. And over and over again I said, "You chose me."
Isaiah 43:1 "But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you. O Israel, the one who formed you says, 'Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine."
Deuteronomy 14:2 "You have been set apart as holy to the Lord your God, and he has chosen you from all the nations of the earth to be his own special treasure."
I have read these verses, and so many more, hundreds of times- but why now did it finally fill the void that has been in my heart for so long?
Because in my moment of hurt and searching, I chose to put my eyes on Christ and shift my perspective to what He was trying to do in me. That is when I saw that the only thing that could fill the void.. is Him... Duh.
So, where are you looking?
Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!"
Hebrews 12:1-2 "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God's throne."
When I took that one moment to shift my gaze to Christ, all other wants and desires felt less like a heavy weights on my chest that were disguised as unattainable "needs". For the first time I didn't feel lonely or overlooked or discarded. The pains of other people seeming "better than me" because someone I wanted chose them.. just didn't exist in my heart anymore.
I felt God ask me, "I've chosen you, do you choose me?"
Do I choose to give up human desires if it means being used to share His love? Do I choose to give up a city I grew to love, filled with people who felt like home, to be used for another story in another city? Do I choose to give up old coping mechanisms so my heart can receive more from the Lord? Do I choose to not know what tomorrow holds?
To not know if some conflicts will ever be resolved?
To not know what will grow out of the seeds I planted in some relationships?
To not know the whole story or plan?
And still walk with joy in my heart, praise on my lips, and peace surrounding me?
Yes. One thousand times yes. He chose me- before anyone could even have the chance to choose me. So daily, I choose Him.
I choose to give up doubt that things won't work out. I choose to give up fear that I am not good enough or I will mess things up. I choose to give up worry that tomorrow won't take care of itself.
And I choose to run the race marked out for me. And whoever chooses to run with me- I know is blessed by God to be in this race with me and that running together will bring glory to His name.
So, if you feel lonely, if you are doing things to fill a void or to make things make sense... If you are sticking your hands into something to try and fix what isn't yours to fix...
Let's, together, put our hands up. Let go. And choose everything God is calling of us-
Because He chose you.
He chose me.
And that is enough.
I am in a bit of a transitional point in my life, with some time off. So, why not start writing again?
As always, I want to be transparent and vulnerable with you. Today's writing is totally prompted by what God has recently been doing in me and I decided to share it with you.
You see- I have been chasing a feeling. I have been searching for a way to fill a specific void in my heart.
The concept of someone choosing me.
Two of my closest friends have heard me sing this song for some time, especially the last few months. I have wanted someone to choose me. I wanted the boy who pursued something with my best friend behind my back, to choose me. I wanted my best friend in that moment, to choose me. I wanted every guy in every failed relationship attempt to choose me, not choose my best friends, or their fears/pride, or simply other options. For once, to somebody, I wanted to be the first choice, not the girl who is just always there. To a friend, a mentor, and especially to a dating relationship.
My prayer when it came to dating was, "God, let him tell me, 'I choose you.'" (Now that you have all read this prayer it is now void. Don't try coming to my DM's with that line.)
This expectation of looking to be chosen by a man led me to heartbreak, pain, and almost walking away from a really good friendship simply because I didn't get the feeling of being chosen like my heart desired.
My heart desired...
Psalm 37:4 "Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desires."
I fought God for so long... "Lord, it is a desire- why haven't you met it? Do I have to keep waiting? Just let this hole in my heart stay empty as I continue to watch everyone around me get 'chosen' while my mind spirals down into a pit trying to figure out what in me is not worthy of being chosen? What does everyone around me have that I don't?"
Friend, I don't know where you are in your life- where do you want to be chosen? For the job or promotion? Maybe it is relationally like myself. Maybe you want your spouse to choose you over their addiction or bad habits. Or for your parents to finally choose you. Whatever it is- where do you want to feel chosen?
I mentioned I am in this transitional phase in my life where nothing really makes sense. I chose to follow and obey the voice of God no matter the cost. I've done it a few times before and it's led me to some of my greatest adventures- so here I am, stepping into my next great one. Still not chosen.
I cried.
I've cried.
My dog cried.
In the midst of my crying and questions a conversation kinda went like this.. "I obeyed you.. gave it all up.. again. Why am I still not chosen?" In that moment I decided to just start thanking God for what was instead of what wasn't and suddenly I said, "Thank you for choosing me to be positioned where I am... Thank you for choosing me-" You would think this shouldn't have been as deep of a revelation as it was for me. But it was. And over and over again I said, "You chose me."
Isaiah 43:1 "But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you. O Israel, the one who formed you says, 'Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine."
Deuteronomy 14:2 "You have been set apart as holy to the Lord your God, and he has chosen you from all the nations of the earth to be his own special treasure."
I have read these verses, and so many more, hundreds of times- but why now did it finally fill the void that has been in my heart for so long?
Because in my moment of hurt and searching, I chose to put my eyes on Christ and shift my perspective to what He was trying to do in me. That is when I saw that the only thing that could fill the void.. is Him... Duh.
So, where are you looking?
Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!"
Hebrews 12:1-2 "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God's throne."
When I took that one moment to shift my gaze to Christ, all other wants and desires felt less like a heavy weights on my chest that were disguised as unattainable "needs". For the first time I didn't feel lonely or overlooked or discarded. The pains of other people seeming "better than me" because someone I wanted chose them.. just didn't exist in my heart anymore.
I felt God ask me, "I've chosen you, do you choose me?"
Do I choose to give up human desires if it means being used to share His love? Do I choose to give up a city I grew to love, filled with people who felt like home, to be used for another story in another city? Do I choose to give up old coping mechanisms so my heart can receive more from the Lord? Do I choose to not know what tomorrow holds?
To not know if some conflicts will ever be resolved?
To not know what will grow out of the seeds I planted in some relationships?
To not know the whole story or plan?
And still walk with joy in my heart, praise on my lips, and peace surrounding me?
Yes. One thousand times yes. He chose me- before anyone could even have the chance to choose me. So daily, I choose Him.
I choose to give up doubt that things won't work out. I choose to give up fear that I am not good enough or I will mess things up. I choose to give up worry that tomorrow won't take care of itself.
And I choose to run the race marked out for me. And whoever chooses to run with me- I know is blessed by God to be in this race with me and that running together will bring glory to His name.
So, if you feel lonely, if you are doing things to fill a void or to make things make sense... If you are sticking your hands into something to try and fix what isn't yours to fix...
Let's, together, put our hands up. Let go. And choose everything God is calling of us-
Because He chose you.
He chose me.
And that is enough.
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