I am 19 years old and I feel that I am behind in life because I am not engaged, or even in a relationship.
Let me paint the picture for you: My mom got married at 19. My brother got married at 22. My sister got married at 20. My two best friends got married at 21-22. The majority of me being raised was in Bakersfield, where literally everyone is getting engaged or married at my age.
I am behind. Or so I feel like I am.
I was never pressured or told I needed to be married by a certain age but let me tell you, all growing up little Jessica had a plan: married by 20-21, first kid by 24, and last kid no later than 28. Next month I turn 20 and I can promise all of you there is no wedding in sight for me.
The problem is I know that being in a relationship at this pivotal time in my life will only hold me back from some amazing things God wants me to do, but thats a hard thing to swallow. So many times I sit and ask, "But God, how is it that this couple can do amazing things together, yet you are saying I am better alone?" It is hard sometimes for me to accept that I am better alone, because being alone is something I have never been good at.
As I look back on the past relationships I had I can see how God was trying to strengthen my independence. I look back and not only see that those people were not the people God had for me, nor was I the one God had for them (He spared them really.. I'm a handful), but God also wanted me to be alone. What is even harder for me to swallow is God still wants me alone. A lot of things in my life are changing. I am growing and taking new directions and in the words of my pastor/spiritual dad, "They [boys] will only hold you back from what God is wanting to do in your life."
So how do I learn to accept that I am better alone when all growing up I convinced myself I am better with someone else?
Knowing my identity
I know I am a daughter of Christ. I've known that for quite some time. My identity is not in the job I have or the life I live, my identity is in the one who created me. But my identity is also Jessica. Not Jessica and so and so. Not so and so's girlfriend, fiancé, or wife.
Growing up being the middle child was always hard for me. I was always Josiah/Jennaya's little sister or Jayden's older sister. When I moved to LA I was finally Jessica and all my siblings were "Jessica's sibling" (love you guys). If I hated being the "sibling" when all I wanted to be was Jessica, I am sure I would hate being "the other half" when all I want to still be is Jessica.
Accepting my independence
Over the past year and a half I've had to grow my independence like crazy. I have had to learn to enjoy the dates I take myself on, I have had to learn that it is okay to spend a Saturday night alone, that I am better at figuring out driving in LA is easier without someone in the passenger seat, that the horrific nightmares I can get are something I can work through on my own, and that I seek Christ much more when I am alone.
I haven't been completely alone. God has taken people out of my life but He has brought in triple the amount of people who help me better myself and my life. It has been through these people that I have discovered more of myself.
I like to process my thoughts with people. I always need a second opinion. I always need someone to tell me I'm not crazy. But I've had to learn to process with the right people. I've had to learn to process my thoughts (through writing), pray about it more, and go to my leaders/mentors. Ive learned to process my thoughts in a MUCH healthier way because I am processing with people who care about my future, not our future.
Understanding I am never willing to compromise
Boys are cute. Boys are fun to cuddle. Boys buy me Starbucks and tell me I'm pretty. But boys will hold me back. Boys will want me to follow the path they are called too. That is not necessarily wrong, except that God has called me to something so great that I need to dive head first into it.
I have never wanted to be a stay at home mom. "I never want to settle my life for someone else." -A phrase that has been said by me and my best friend for almost seven years. That is not the life I have been called for and that's okay. I've said it and I know it. Now it is time for me to walk in it. I will not settle. I will not compromise. I will not desperately search for love when I know that right now I need to be desperately searching for Christ and the life He wants me to live.
It is hard for me. Something I will struggle with. I have to work through the insecurity of "no one wanting me" because "guys flock to my friends but not to me". When in reality, God is allowing for no one to come my way because if they did, I would go back on everything I just said because I am W E A K. I'll get insecure and frustrated and cry out "God why?!" but if I have been praying for God's will not mine, than I must accept His will and I must walk in it with joy and consistent expectation that my life is better when I am "alone".
I am 19 years old and I am not behind, no matter what little Jessica thinks.
Let me paint the picture for you: My mom got married at 19. My brother got married at 22. My sister got married at 20. My two best friends got married at 21-22. The majority of me being raised was in Bakersfield, where literally everyone is getting engaged or married at my age.
I am behind. Or so I feel like I am.
I was never pressured or told I needed to be married by a certain age but let me tell you, all growing up little Jessica had a plan: married by 20-21, first kid by 24, and last kid no later than 28. Next month I turn 20 and I can promise all of you there is no wedding in sight for me.
The problem is I know that being in a relationship at this pivotal time in my life will only hold me back from some amazing things God wants me to do, but thats a hard thing to swallow. So many times I sit and ask, "But God, how is it that this couple can do amazing things together, yet you are saying I am better alone?" It is hard sometimes for me to accept that I am better alone, because being alone is something I have never been good at.
As I look back on the past relationships I had I can see how God was trying to strengthen my independence. I look back and not only see that those people were not the people God had for me, nor was I the one God had for them (He spared them really.. I'm a handful), but God also wanted me to be alone. What is even harder for me to swallow is God still wants me alone. A lot of things in my life are changing. I am growing and taking new directions and in the words of my pastor/spiritual dad, "They [boys] will only hold you back from what God is wanting to do in your life."
So how do I learn to accept that I am better alone when all growing up I convinced myself I am better with someone else?
Knowing my identity
I know I am a daughter of Christ. I've known that for quite some time. My identity is not in the job I have or the life I live, my identity is in the one who created me. But my identity is also Jessica. Not Jessica and so and so. Not so and so's girlfriend, fiancé, or wife.
Growing up being the middle child was always hard for me. I was always Josiah/Jennaya's little sister or Jayden's older sister. When I moved to LA I was finally Jessica and all my siblings were "Jessica's sibling" (love you guys). If I hated being the "sibling" when all I wanted to be was Jessica, I am sure I would hate being "the other half" when all I want to still be is Jessica.
Accepting my independence
Over the past year and a half I've had to grow my independence like crazy. I have had to learn to enjoy the dates I take myself on, I have had to learn that it is okay to spend a Saturday night alone, that I am better at figuring out driving in LA is easier without someone in the passenger seat, that the horrific nightmares I can get are something I can work through on my own, and that I seek Christ much more when I am alone.
I haven't been completely alone. God has taken people out of my life but He has brought in triple the amount of people who help me better myself and my life. It has been through these people that I have discovered more of myself.
I like to process my thoughts with people. I always need a second opinion. I always need someone to tell me I'm not crazy. But I've had to learn to process with the right people. I've had to learn to process my thoughts (through writing), pray about it more, and go to my leaders/mentors. Ive learned to process my thoughts in a MUCH healthier way because I am processing with people who care about my future, not our future.
Understanding I am never willing to compromise
Boys are cute. Boys are fun to cuddle. Boys buy me Starbucks and tell me I'm pretty. But boys will hold me back. Boys will want me to follow the path they are called too. That is not necessarily wrong, except that God has called me to something so great that I need to dive head first into it.
I have never wanted to be a stay at home mom. "I never want to settle my life for someone else." -A phrase that has been said by me and my best friend for almost seven years. That is not the life I have been called for and that's okay. I've said it and I know it. Now it is time for me to walk in it. I will not settle. I will not compromise. I will not desperately search for love when I know that right now I need to be desperately searching for Christ and the life He wants me to live.
It is hard for me. Something I will struggle with. I have to work through the insecurity of "no one wanting me" because "guys flock to my friends but not to me". When in reality, God is allowing for no one to come my way because if they did, I would go back on everything I just said because I am W E A K. I'll get insecure and frustrated and cry out "God why?!" but if I have been praying for God's will not mine, than I must accept His will and I must walk in it with joy and consistent expectation that my life is better when I am "alone".
I am 19 years old and I am not behind, no matter what little Jessica thinks.
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