If I had a dollar for every time I "surrendered" everything to Christ, I'd be able to quit my restaurant job and pay rent with that money.
That's a funny, yet oddly sad, way of starting this post. I know. But it's the truth. If you have any personal relationship with me, you might know that I journal almost every single one of my prayers. I think the only time I audibly say a prayer is when I ask for forgiveness for what I yelled at the drivers in Sacramento.
My first prayer journal was a blue camo journal with three loops on the front to hold pens. I was living in Texas at the time and my dad took us all to the Christian book store to pick out our very own prayer journals. He taught us that this was a great way to always see how God works in each of our lives. I think I filled every page with a plea for us to move back to California and I will say, it worked!
I have been journaling ever since.
As of lately, my biggest desire in my heart has been to allow God to write my story. I wrote in one of my entries earlier this month that: "God, I will hold the pen, but write your words in this story." I will say, that this new season I am walking in, so far, is one of the best seasons of my life. Not only am I in a much healthier place with just my heart alone, but God has been speaking, giving promises, fulfilling promises, and blessing me in ways that bring me to my knees in a praise I never knew I had. So I write it all down. Except, I began to notice a pattern. I will give God the room in my life to move and speak and do whatever He needs to do, but then when it is my turn to wait on Him, walk in obedience, or do some type of action to fulfill what He is promising, I get anxious, impatient, and I tend to take control of the situation, only to blow it up and make a mess of things.
There have been moments where I should consult God on something first, only for me to plot and plan in my own head and go full speed ahead. I then find myself crying over my journal and writing, "God, I lay this all down to you. May you take control." I know I am human, I know I will fall short and feed into my flesh, but I have come to realize I can fill more pages with His miracles and works if I stopped filling pages with "God I am sorry I got in the way again."
How many times do we do that? How many times do we say "God your will be done" only to see Him doing it His way and panic and try to have it our way again? I have noticed that when I try to write things, or do things, my way, I make a huge mess always. So, how do stop myself from trying to write my words in His story over my life?
1 Chronicles 16:11-12 "Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always. Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgements he pronounced..."
My problem is I lose faith in His works. Sometimes I think the Creator over all the heavens, Earth, and everything in between, might need my help. I begin to write my words in His story when I think that maybe this time He won't be able to work a miracle. I begin to write my words in His story when I begin to fear His process. I begin to write my words in His story when I just don't understand what He is doing.
But did I ask for His wisdom in my situation? No, I just started writing. Do I take the time to not only remember the things He already has done, but also praise Him for it? No, I just start to write. Did I open my eyes and my heart to learn the lessons He might be trying to teach me? Nope! I just grabbed my pen and furiously began writing a story line that doesn't even make sense.
I won't always see or understand all that He is doing, but I am not meant to. One of the beautiful things about Christ is, He writes such a beautiful and complex story even though He already knows the ending. I don't know the ending, in fact, I don't even know the next chapter! He knows when I need which lesson and which blessing in order for the next chapter to be just as beautiful as the last.
So, every time I panic and try to re-write His story for me, I'll first and foremost: Look to the Lord. Then, I will remember and praise Him for all He has already done and when I still feel like being the one to write the story, I will remind myself that I don't know the ending and I should leave the writing to the one who knows my plot line.
Beautifully said!
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