Hi friends! Long time, no write. I know, I know. Typical millennial not sticking to what she creates. But let me catch you up to speed on what's been going on.
*narrator's voice* "Last time on Life with Jessica..."
I was living a cozy life in my top floor apartment in Hollywood, CA. I was running the social media for my church, starting up ministry school, and waiting tables. I was living paycheck to paycheck and loving life while questioning it all at the same time. I was in the world Jessica had always dreamed up for herself, but I was in my wilderness. I thought in that moment LA was my final destination and the stagnant state I was in was a funk I was going to have to get over and that somehow someway I'd feel like I was thriving again. But God did something in me this past Summer. I got to a point where I realized I was the lid to the ministry I was running, I couldn't expand the ministry any further and that He was making me uncomfortable with where I was at because He was preparing for me to reach my Promise Land. So, the last week of August I packed up my half of the room into my car and drove up six hours to Sacramento, CA. Big difference, definitely only God who could have pushed me to make that change.
So, here I have been living in Sacramento for about four months, thought it feels much longer (in the best way), and I won't lie, some days its been harder than any struggling moment in LA. I had issues with my restaurant transfer and was without work for a month, living with borrowed money from my younger brother and parents, I've had moments where I've fallen deeply, I've had broken hearts over friends and family members, feeling powerless because I'm so far and can't help, and I've had to battle deep insecurities and anxiety attacks rising up once again in my life.
But this is my Promise Land. How is it I am struggling more here than in my wilderness? I couldn't figure it out, I questioned heavily if this was really where I was supposed to be and if it was, why wasn't God providing? Then I just pinned it as the enemy attacking me and that someday he'd get tired and stop with his schemes against me. But it has come to a point where it isn't the enemy attacking me, rather myself attacking not only me, but God's promises over my life.
You see, I have never heard more clearly and in so many different ways that my breakthrough has happened, God is opening doors, and I am exactly where I am supposed to be. But I couldn't see all of that because I was still seeing this land as my wilderness. Comparing here to there, speaking the things I spoke, praying the way I prayed, living in the same exact mindset I had been living in. I find it so funny that I can surrender half my heart to Christ, yet still hold tightly to the other half. I can pack up my bags and go when He say's "Go", but I can't allow for my eyes to be opened by Him to see everything He has for me.
How do I fix that? How do I let go of my old thought patterns and heart and grasp the "new" that God is trying do? Well, I've labeled that as Jessica 2.0. It started as a joke, saying I would go to the gym and get fit, find a husband, and quit Cheesecake, but then it turned into me searching my heart and realizing I needed to change myself from within and become a better version of myself.
I haven't been to the gym in about three weeks, I am definitely single as single gets, and I am spending every weekend at the good ol' Cheesecake Factory. But there is something different with IN me. I have noticed how my surroundings may be the "same" or not where I may have thought my Promise Land would be, but I am beginning to see it as the Promise Land God wants it to be.
I could go in bullet point detail on what in my heart I needed to fix, but I'll save each bullet point for it's own blog. The overall lesson I had to learn in order to learn all the other lessons was- my pride. I had to strip my pride of seeing only what I wanted to see, the pride of trying to form God's plan to my plan, and the pride of refusing to believe there was major issues in my heart that I needed to confront and fix.
I know this blog post is lengthy, and not in my typical quick, devotional-like style, but I guess I just want to express that sometimes our breakthrough that we have been relentlessly praying for has come, we are just too prideful to see it.
How do you break down your pride? There was a verse that stuck with me through everything, Psalm 139:23-24 "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Thats a hard thing to walk in, because once you give God the room to start revealing to you things in your own heart, you probably won't like what you find. But I made that verse my prayer. Once I began to see the things in me I refused to see as an issue, I began to heal, to thrive, and to fully see my Promise Land and walk in the breakthrough that was before me.
I wish I was able to enjoy entering the Promise Land when I first did instead of being blinded by my own pride. I wish I could look back on these past few months and say "Yes, this was the best season of my life thus far." But, it's a lesson to learn. God is always at work, and it is always in ways that are much better than mine.
I close this blog with this last thought: Your breakthrough very well could be right before you, you very well could be standing in your Promise Land, but you may be the very reason you can't see it. I dare you to pray Psalm 139:23-24. It's a painful thing to pray, but I guarantee that once you begin to search your own heart, you won't have to write from the wilderness any longer.
*narrator's voice* "Last time on Life with Jessica..."
I was living a cozy life in my top floor apartment in Hollywood, CA. I was running the social media for my church, starting up ministry school, and waiting tables. I was living paycheck to paycheck and loving life while questioning it all at the same time. I was in the world Jessica had always dreamed up for herself, but I was in my wilderness. I thought in that moment LA was my final destination and the stagnant state I was in was a funk I was going to have to get over and that somehow someway I'd feel like I was thriving again. But God did something in me this past Summer. I got to a point where I realized I was the lid to the ministry I was running, I couldn't expand the ministry any further and that He was making me uncomfortable with where I was at because He was preparing for me to reach my Promise Land. So, the last week of August I packed up my half of the room into my car and drove up six hours to Sacramento, CA. Big difference, definitely only God who could have pushed me to make that change.
So, here I have been living in Sacramento for about four months, thought it feels much longer (in the best way), and I won't lie, some days its been harder than any struggling moment in LA. I had issues with my restaurant transfer and was without work for a month, living with borrowed money from my younger brother and parents, I've had moments where I've fallen deeply, I've had broken hearts over friends and family members, feeling powerless because I'm so far and can't help, and I've had to battle deep insecurities and anxiety attacks rising up once again in my life.
But this is my Promise Land. How is it I am struggling more here than in my wilderness? I couldn't figure it out, I questioned heavily if this was really where I was supposed to be and if it was, why wasn't God providing? Then I just pinned it as the enemy attacking me and that someday he'd get tired and stop with his schemes against me. But it has come to a point where it isn't the enemy attacking me, rather myself attacking not only me, but God's promises over my life.
You see, I have never heard more clearly and in so many different ways that my breakthrough has happened, God is opening doors, and I am exactly where I am supposed to be. But I couldn't see all of that because I was still seeing this land as my wilderness. Comparing here to there, speaking the things I spoke, praying the way I prayed, living in the same exact mindset I had been living in. I find it so funny that I can surrender half my heart to Christ, yet still hold tightly to the other half. I can pack up my bags and go when He say's "Go", but I can't allow for my eyes to be opened by Him to see everything He has for me.
How do I fix that? How do I let go of my old thought patterns and heart and grasp the "new" that God is trying do? Well, I've labeled that as Jessica 2.0. It started as a joke, saying I would go to the gym and get fit, find a husband, and quit Cheesecake, but then it turned into me searching my heart and realizing I needed to change myself from within and become a better version of myself.
I haven't been to the gym in about three weeks, I am definitely single as single gets, and I am spending every weekend at the good ol' Cheesecake Factory. But there is something different with IN me. I have noticed how my surroundings may be the "same" or not where I may have thought my Promise Land would be, but I am beginning to see it as the Promise Land God wants it to be.
I could go in bullet point detail on what in my heart I needed to fix, but I'll save each bullet point for it's own blog. The overall lesson I had to learn in order to learn all the other lessons was- my pride. I had to strip my pride of seeing only what I wanted to see, the pride of trying to form God's plan to my plan, and the pride of refusing to believe there was major issues in my heart that I needed to confront and fix.
I know this blog post is lengthy, and not in my typical quick, devotional-like style, but I guess I just want to express that sometimes our breakthrough that we have been relentlessly praying for has come, we are just too prideful to see it.
How do you break down your pride? There was a verse that stuck with me through everything, Psalm 139:23-24 "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Thats a hard thing to walk in, because once you give God the room to start revealing to you things in your own heart, you probably won't like what you find. But I made that verse my prayer. Once I began to see the things in me I refused to see as an issue, I began to heal, to thrive, and to fully see my Promise Land and walk in the breakthrough that was before me.
I wish I was able to enjoy entering the Promise Land when I first did instead of being blinded by my own pride. I wish I could look back on these past few months and say "Yes, this was the best season of my life thus far." But, it's a lesson to learn. God is always at work, and it is always in ways that are much better than mine.
I close this blog with this last thought: Your breakthrough very well could be right before you, you very well could be standing in your Promise Land, but you may be the very reason you can't see it. I dare you to pray Psalm 139:23-24. It's a painful thing to pray, but I guarantee that once you begin to search your own heart, you won't have to write from the wilderness any longer.
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